she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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