He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
