Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Someone stole a lamp last night.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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