I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
