New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
is it normal that we went to that class once and both got 100's on the final? ohhhh, arizona state.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
