i just had sex bonerless
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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