Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Randomize
