why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Randomize
