The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
