apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
