Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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