a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Randomize
