If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
there is glitter all over my balls
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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