I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
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After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
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He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
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