It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Randomize
