I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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