there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
