a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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