Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
