and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
