girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
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