I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
