Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
