Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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