I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Randomize
