You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize
