so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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