Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Randomize
