Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
