I haven't been this sober since birth.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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