I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Randomize
