I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
false alarm, still single
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