I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
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