Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
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