separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
