I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
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