I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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