I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
