I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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