Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
