Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
