It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
