she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
