I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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