my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
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