just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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