saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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