I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
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