I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Randomize
