if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
