why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
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