god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
The adults are the big ones right?
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
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