woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
