if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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