is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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