My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Randomize
