I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
