So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Even my vagina gasped.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
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