Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
