he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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